If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
What flavor cupcake are these