Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
bro what is going on at twitter
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Midwest trash talk
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.