I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Admin smashed it 😂
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My patience has stretch marks.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
How to properly lift a body
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.