I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You Might Also Like
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
We need more people like this.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.