Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
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Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Great game to play with friends