You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Here’s a meme
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.