For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.