I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times