there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Employees must applaud the planets.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I created you as mosquito food.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”