Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.