Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix


Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.


How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️


Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”


Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”


The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.


Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*


My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.