Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.