@_SouthernMama

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

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@groovuroy

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@noog

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

@IamJackBoot

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

@Jandalize

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@Elizasoul80

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.