@_SouthernMama

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

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@Miss_Ghandi

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@johnfreiler

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

@DukeRaccoon

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?