All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.