I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Whoa 😂
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Breaking news:
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”