Whoa 馃槀
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 馃檪
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn鈥檛 matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Yelling at your kid when they鈥檙e your height just hits different.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I鈥檓 on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don鈥檛 start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Nothing is impossible鈥xcept for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt