I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The pen is writier than the sword.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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