I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives