We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
According to my DNA results, I鈥檓 99% high af.
I don鈥檛 drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Kevin didn鈥檛 know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda鈥檚 dumb jokes, but he did know he didn鈥檛 want to be glue.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I鈥檓 going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Lmao 馃ぃ
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we鈥檙e rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*