Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while