i want the dreams to chase me for once
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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If you’re testing me, we failed.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see