When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
seems like a niche market
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want