Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now