Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad