Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
twitter is a journey
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.