*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
There’s never enough good news
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.