馃槀
You Might Also Like
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sorry, can鈥檛 talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
It鈥檚 cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn鈥檛 pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they鈥檙e the best
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she鈥檚 really good.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.