It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
sigh
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”