Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
The first one, obviously
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
i- i did not expect this
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*