I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*eats only grass-fed donuts
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.