My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
In case you needed to hear it:
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason