*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
crying
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?