My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.