[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Friends that check up on you >
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?