I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You Might Also Like
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Friday
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning