There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
🔦🌙👣
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?