Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
LOOOOOOL
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Why I divorced her.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Breaking news:
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies