Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him