My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated