I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*launders Kohls cash*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I just ran a .003048K
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The biggest mystery of our time
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
#JohnTravolta
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…