I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about