My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.