What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.