What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”