[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?