just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper