the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.