“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Blew out my flip flop…
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?