Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy