wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins