At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
courtroom exchange of the day
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.