Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
“I hate you”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
*from under the refrigerator*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.