Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
the red hot silly peppers
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.