Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..