You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore