bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
You Might Also Like
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
want me to check your oil?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem